FILM SCHOOL IS SO COOL 

the building is amazing

the location is amazing

the feel of the place is amazing

the attitude of the staff is amazing

it's buzzing, it's so busy there and there are so many people around,

doing important things i suppose

during my lunch break they were playing Psycho (with the sound off and subs on) 

i'm so excited to get totally immersed here for two years 

literally

i have never been so happy to be connected to and rooted in a place

and to know that i'll be here for two years

i want to make every moment count

i can't wait to be a filmmaker

i feel like the last month, with the last two projects i have done 

and now this start here

has really confirmed that this is what i want to do 

and i'm so glad that i found it now, at 18/19

and that i have direction at last

and it's crazy because i made the decision to come here

when my mind was so clouded and cluttered and foggy at the best of times

and yet?? i seem to have made this kind of real life-changing decision 

and it actually works for me

and i questioned it a lot of the time when i was moving out of that fog

but i guess i had just enough craziness to know that actually it could work

because i think sometimes, when your mind is too clear, 

it picks up all the reasons why things "wouldn't work"

and focuses on that

but really i guess one positive about going through a time of being so incredibly impulsive and obsessive that one idea consumes you and changes your life and its course entirely

is that actually 

when you start to walk out of it the other side, you remember the plans and delusions or whatever they are, that you made, and you start to see how broad your horizon mind and ambition actually is when it isn't hindered by the "practical" and the "realities" 

and then you know that in that state you actually saw a truth about yourself

that you wouldn't have stopped to notice if you were busying yourself living life properly

if that makes sense

okay anyway the moral of the story is

if you find yourself making life-changing decisions when you have the crazies 

...they just might be mad enough to work for you

Diana Farkhullina at Chanel Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2008

i blog about fashion a lot lately
sorry
but don't you think this photo is beautiful?

first things first... gaultier s/s14 at paris fashion week 

is doing things to me

okay anyway! good things have been happening

since wednesday i have been on the best film set so far

i did wednesday to saturday because i'm starting film school tomorrow

so i just need to make sure everything is ready 

and i have done all the prep tasks 

(it's 2PM and i still have three to go...) 

anyway it has been brilliant, definitely the best one to be on

because it has been the "easiest" in terms of getting along with everyone

getting work done 

learning things

but also the hardest in terms of the earliest starts and the longest days 

being on your feet at all times

so definitely the best place to learn the ropes

everyone gets on so well and it has been great

no "drama" apart from the usual setbacks that occur on film sets

most of which can't be helped

and so today is my last day before going to film school 

and i am thinking about ideas for a project that i want to do 

because even though i wrote a script recently

i think it's too ambitious to start with

and i don't want my inexperience to ruin the idea 

because i actually like the idea a lot

so i'm going to continue to work on it in the back of my mind

adding to it and perfecting it and polishing it 

but in the meantime i have a nice idea for a short

involving my grandmother

who lives around the corner

i just have to convince her

maybe i can buy her flowers and chocolate

she likes 70% and above, dark chocolate

it was my birthday yesterday
"do you feel any older"
no, i don't feel i have an age
i know that's a weird thing to say probably
but really i don't.
in some ways i feel so much younger than 19
so incredibly unprepared for the world and what it has to offer
and yet in some ways i feel so much older than 19
so tired already as if my body has been working for 190 years
i have a feeling i will always feel like this'
younger than 20, 30, 40, 50. terrifying.

well time is moving forward at an incredible pace
as it always does of course.
my friend texted me a really beautiful quote which made me tear up on the bus

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only causes sorrow. Let reality be reality.  Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. - Lao Tsu

it's amazing because that is something i really believe to be true
i was thinking really about life on the tube today
i suppose it's all a series of changes and some of them are big and some of them are subtle
but nothing is stagnant. stagnation breeds insanity
i truly believe and know that.
and so i thought to myself really, there is no "point" to life.
so because there is no "point" to it,
stop stressing about finding what the "point" is.
just live in the moment.
create. love. feel pain. let pain flow away to make space for other things.
don't worry about what "the point of it all" is all the time.
it really causes so much stress and pain
to let this idea consume you.
speaking of consuming -
allow yourself to consume
(just know that consumer culture is hollow and vapid. we all know it - don't let it consume you. just have fun)
and, in a backwards roundabout way, that IS the point.
really, the point of it all is to stop worrying about finding out what the point is
and just live it
and define your own "point to life"

really i hope that made sense.
now that i am 19
i am wise.

i'm kidding

i started reading cat's cradle and i ordered some manga yesterday
this time next week...i will have had my first day at film school

*pops cork on champagne*
it took me four solid hours of writing
but i finished draft one of a new script!
i got to the end!
i actually have a story!
wow i hope i can show it to people
and they will like it.

i have been listening to the newest album
from queens of the stone age
it's called "...like clockwork"
and it's beautiful
i saw a poster for it on the tube yesterday
and i realised i had never gotten around to listening
and it's really really beautiful

i read the other day that the difference between art and entertainment
is that entertainment distracts you
and art affects you.
i'm still deciding whether this album crosses the entertainment barrier
i'm on my third listen and really
i'm still not even decided.
i rarely call albums "art" because it seems pretentious
so i'll think about that one hard

this is the title track 

at the moment it's one of my favourites

i love the fact that this was one of those bands that has lingered on my playlists

since i was about 14

and are just consistently good 

and as you get older you "understand" it more. clearer. 

i met someone recently who was a really big fan... (and i truly understand why). 

on feeling better

don't stay in bed.
get up, stretch your legs.
walk down the stairs
make yourself something to drink
you should probably avoid coffee
(but you don't)
so you have a coffee anyways.

watch anime.
watch it in subs (not dubs)
so that you really have to concentrate on what is going on
you have to read what they are saying
and you can't get distracted by other things
and look away or zone out
it's hypnotic

get in the shower
wash your hair, it's a mess
notice how much make-up runs down from your eyes
because you didn't bother to take it off properly
the night before

dry your hair.
use a brush and blow-dry it straight,
because it looks better like that

and then make sure you get dressed
wear clothes
not pyjamas

clear your living space
so that you're not looking at clutter
don't throw away cards from people
cards saying "well done" and "happy birthday"
with nice messages inside
display them on your desk so that you can look at them
and remember every now and then that
people do think about you

repeat
until you feel better
for longer

i have a notebook
and i'm making notes of all the things
that i have learned
from the projects that i did this year

i can't wait to look back at it,
a big list of who i met
and where
and when
and what they were like
and what we learned in our shared experiences
because really, it's so important to make note of the things you learn
so that you don't forget them
or take them for granted.

in two weeks, i will have started at film school

did you miss me

went home with four chinese lanterns

and two sets of fairy lights

after my job as art director

and i thought, well 

i might as well put them up,

they look really pretty

(don't tell) 

it wouldn't be a celebration of your new lights
without a selfie

on london pride

it's interesting
"being proud of where you're from";
i have never really felt a sense of
"identity"
associated with being british or english
it's nobody's fault and i suppose it wasn't
"a conscious decision"
it's just that i have never really felt connected to
"the wider picture".

i have always been proud to be from london though
just in the sense that this city
stinks of life.

at times it is putrid
and it's a city that sometimes reeks of
the rotting of human flesh
and sweat
and regretful decisions

but other times it smells like progress
it smells like the melting pot
of over 300 languages
and that's just tottenham alone.
300 languages. imagine it.
every language has words with a smell,
every one has a taste.

and i have only really become proud
to be from london
and specifically, the area of london that i am from
in the last few years
as i have started to see myself as a citizen of the world
of the wider community
and part of this is thanks to the internet.

i suppose i'm proud of local girl amy winehouse
i'm proud that it takes me 36 minutes to get from
the escalators at leicester square
to the bus stop at my home station
and i suppose it's not until you meet people
who have moved here from across the world
to "become londoners" that you really really do
appreciate a city as part of your identity
especially when your identity is so fluid sometimes

EH EH EH IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
how am i spending it
well i'm sick
so i've been watching anime and snivelling
but last night i socialised i promise

expensive taste

i saw this jacket on tumblr
apparently it is yamamoto
i absolutely love it
i did some research on it to see what i could find
unfortunately the only source on it was tumblr
so i'm still in the dark about whether or not this truly

is yamamoto pour homme

i'm really a fan of yamamoto because i love the androgyny

this beautiful dress is mcqueen
mcqueen is possibly my favourite
although it's hard to decide
look how elegant it is
gold and black are beautiful
imagine owning a piece like this
i feel like mcqueen really understood
"the female form"

his shoes were/are amazing also
the ones above, the baroque angels
i think they are from 2010
of course these are by no means
"practical shoes"
but the level of detail
and creativity
and craftsmanship...
how can people be so bold as to deny that fashion is art?

as for these shoes
possibly people will recognise them
lady gaga wore them (or some similar)
anyway they were from the same collection
along with the armadillo shoes
which i think were controversial because
a model fell on the walkway whilst wearing them
but  when i saw gaga
i know those shoes were mcqueen before
i read they were mcqueen
if that makes sense?

okay enough on fashion now
i've been feeling so "zen" lately
that seems like a pretentious thing to say
but i know there is a saying
let go, or be dragged

and i love that phrase
because i really believe it
and if you let something drag you
it is a burden for the thing that is dragging you
and a burden for yourself

it's my new wallpaper

do you ever get so confused
that your head feels like
it wants to turn itself inside out
just to start all over again

its a wrap

the last night yesterday
i finished at 2am
it was a hard day yesterday
i had to construct fighting cages
but i've had so much fun
and i have learned so much
and developed so much confidence

a conversation yesterday went like this:
"so i want to act"
"i know how you feel, i'm art director now but i want to direct"
"you're art director? your attitude is great, i can see that you're a doer, you definitely have director potential. when i first saw you i thought you were one of the models i didn't realise you were art director"

(strong game huh)
i was flattered
and concentrating on being told
"director potential"
because i always know what i want
and this weekend i have become better
at making steps to getting it

but i'm so excited
i'm always excited lately
excited for the future
excited to be around to be alive

yesterday i was at some traffic lights
it must have been 10pm
and this area was close to a big dual carriageway
over a bridge
and the rain was heavy
and i had this nice warm coat with a big hood
and i was looking at these cars
waiting at the lights in the rain
and the lights were reflecting in the wet ground
and the cars were moving but you could just
see the lights
and it was beautiful

my location has inspired me so much
i was sitting on my bed in my underwear
making changes to a script
that i have written recently
just so that it is suitable to film
in that location
honestly
it's really beautiful it's everything i could want in a location

yesterday i had a fun conversation
about haute couture
and marina abramovic
and vera wang wedding dresses
i love talking about these things
i'm a visual person
i love beautiful things
so i love to talk about art
i love art that immerses you
and fashion literally surrounds you
that's why i consider it art
it's one of the easiest way to express yourself
along with music

really i believe that the worst quality
to have in a person
is to be ingenuine and insincere

you can be greedy
and lazy
and judgemental

but as long as you are honest in the way
that you present yourself to the world
and you don't stab people in the back
before they have even turned around
then you are not as bad
as the wolf in sheep clothing

just shoot me

filming is going well
i'm having a lot of fun
the shots are looking really beautiful
i'm so pleased with the lights and lanterns i bought
and the location is beautiful

it's an abandoned office block
absolutely beautiful
and spine-chilling
could get some gorgeous shots

we wrapped at 4am after a 5.30pm start
quite frustrating to only get two scenes
the electricity generator kept blowing

something to bear in mind

i can't wait to upload all the photos i took on location
but i'm a paranoid person
so maybe i  will keep to myself
i'm selfish

i'm so happy with life
how it is at the moment
tokyo just won the bid for the 2020 olympics
i really want to be there when they happen
hopefully i will be
because that will be amazing
i'm already excited

sleepy but

im really excited for film school
im excited to make change and be creative
and live in my own world
and create it

anyway we got lesson 3 today
we have online lessons every week,
just pre-intro things
idk how to describe them
so

part three of lesson three
we have to choose a piece of art
and create a poem based on our reaction to it
and then choose a poem
create a piece of art based on our reaction to it
i'm so excited to start the inspiration process again
i'm so rusty
so im thankful they asked us to do this

all for now

so today was the first day of filming
it was not a difficult day today
because we were on-location
so it was a realistic set of course
and i just had to dress the set
and make sure that the things we were using
looked good
and were organised and in the right place
and arranged artistically in the frame
it took me just over an hour to set up everything in the second place
and the first place was very easy
very sparse shot for that one

the crew are really nice
there are so many of us
so there is a buzzing environment

it was just me
perhaps tomorrow i will have further assistance
but it prevents confusion if you are alone

i enjoy the environment
but i'm still really finding my feet in the world
let alone in an industry
and i guess i'm still not much clearer
on what i want to specifically do

at the end of the day i want to make films
i have not yet figured out
if i have still in my mind
too romantic an image of the process
i don't think i do
i will make films
i just have to work out how and why and to what purpose
and also where
for i aim to move out of the UK
and clear my head of the clutter that it provides me
hopefully

thriving

well i guess i should talk about the project that i'm doing at the moment
it's a short film
it's called Hard to Lose and it's about a cage-fighter
originally when i applied for the job, i applied to be an art department assistant
but this morning, i and rosie became promoted, in a sense, to art directors
because our h.o.d. had to withdraw from the project
it's okay, everything is doable
but i have spent the morning emailing, typing, creating lists, re-reading the lists, all these things
it's quite high pressure because
filming starts tomorrow

so there is a lot of responsibility on me now
and i haven't heard from rosie yet
but she is at work of course

anyway by the end of this process (next week. it's a short) i will have been "art director"
nice to say by the age of 19, in three weeks time
"i went from 'runner' to 'art director' in one month"
it will look nice on my CV i suppose
but more importantly i'm learning how to cope with this pressure
and i think i'm doing really well
i'm striding through it

i'll take photos throughout the shoot if i can
so that i can show you "my work"

oh i just received the call sheet. no mobile phones of course. i always forget.
call time is 6AM
everyone will be sleepy
i'll certainly be very sleepy
because i'm too vain to leave the house without make-up
so i cannot roll out of bed and go
i have to make sure i look okay
which sometimes is quite a task
but location is luckily not too far from home.

british programming at its true best

in august, we got a new puppy

we have always had dogs,

they are my stepdad's. 

at one point we had three, two labradors and a spaniel

then in may, the spaniel died

he was 13~14 years old 

he died on the day i went to see the great gatsby

so i dont know how i feel about that

anyway we have a puppy now.

i miss our old dog 

but i certainly don't want to let the new puppy to feel that

his name is george

but i don't like giving animals names so i talk to him

(instead of about him) 

and i just say "you"

but the good news is, he matches my autumn wardrobe

i'm kidding. he's a good friend

also i suppose "in other news" i found this really lovely dress

it reaches all the way to the ground

it was 8.99

because i bought it secondhand

and it smells of someone else

it's weird

but that's really what i like a lot about buying things secondhand

we have a cat also. again i don't really give her a name and everyone calls

her different names

i just say "cat" 

because i guess that's my name as well

anyway she sleeps a lot but it's quite endearing

and i did my nails

a lot

i'm always doing my nails

also i have found sources of crazy inspiration in southeast asian cinema

i've always been a fan

but recently i have grown to realise how disillusioned i have felt 

with hollywood

and my views on it have changed

whilst i believe that it is a force of nature

i also think that there is a lot of beauty that is lost 

in the cameras of hollywood

and a lot of beauty 

that gets worn away in the harsh flashes of the camera paparazzi

in the way that you aren't allowed to take photos in an art gallery 

because the bright lights

will wear away at the paint of works that are ~500 years old

and are delicate

whilst writing this blog

i have found out no longer am i an "art department assistant" on this project

but now i am "art department" 

as the lady that i was working for

she has had to retract from the project

and now everything i think it falls to me

so goodbye

things that you shouldn't worry about:

• the extra 5lbs sitting around your middle
• the pile of clothes - your own, calm yourself - crumpled on the floor to your left.
• tomorrow
• next week
• the end of the month
• next month
• december
• your skin 
• whether people are looking at you
• or talking about you
• they aren't;
• being unable to find wifi
• student finance
• student debt
• being unable to drive
• busy schedules 
• falling out of contact
• stagnating
• procrastination
• shitty american remakes
• no really, they're always so bad
• (does anyone remember skins? or the inbetweeners? or shameless?);

things you should worry about

•  
•  
•  
•  
• the fact it's 0205 and you're making a list of things you shouldn't worry about but do