how could i forget...

this year
also... i turned 20
in september
i'm still not sure how i feel about it
and i'm trying not to be...
nostalgic??
for a teen experience that i didn't have

funny what you remember

wrapping up the year...

I can't believe I haven't posted on this blog since March
well I can
I dont know.
i guess i've been so busy.

since march i've done so much.
i shot a short film... which i loved the idea of but then the finished product??
idk i guess it's hard to love what you've made
the people i worked with though... wow.
truly amazing

i've made some videos and i've been uploading them on Vimeo
i guess is there anyone out there reading this?
i dont know
i've been so conflicted this year, it's been really quite difficult
lots of personal things have happened
and i'm still living at home
is that too personal?

its raining really hard right now

we've been taking so many film photos
we've had lots of late night talks
we went to corfu!
i want to travel so much
i want to see everything
sometimes it overwhelms me how much there is to see
and how little progress i seem to be making on it

yesterday i got a Facebook message from one of my favourite musicians
she is in the extended family of one of my best friends
and apparently she said, "will she believe it's me" and somehow i did...
even though i couldn't see/hear her
anyway she said "you can come to a gig in london any time" and that i should just ask my friend!
it's so exciting
i miss wanting to be a musician
and in fact it made me think yesterday, why did i give up that dream?
why did i settle for the fact that i'd never "make it"?
because...
does it matter?
is it worse that i gave up?
maybe i should go back to it.

so this year... like i said
its been quite tiring
i made a documentary about my mum
i did some TV modules at school (very demanding)
i made some little videos

birds from Kate Epps on Vimeo.
this is one of the videos that i made recently...

body comparative (01) from Kate Epps on Vimeo.
to be honest when i made these i wasn't feeling very good with myself.
i needed a still moment
and there's nothing more still than looking through the lens and watching birds
or looking at the moon
and really it sounds a bit pretentious and silly
but it helped
and that's the main thing

i dont know if i've learned anything this year
i've learned a lot and at the same time i feel like i haven't been paying attention
somehow
i dont know.
i made some really good friends though
and me and jack will celebrate our one-year mark next month
which is quite exciting

i'll probably be back
but if i'm not
peace to you

Marchin' On

Not a very original title for the first post in over a month
oh well, time is moving forward i suppose.
the last month has been interesting and tiring. i'm always tired.
but i'm happy. happy and tired. a weird combo.

anyway, we've done three weeks of screenwriting, of the first module
that was cool but draining, sitting in the same room from 10 to 5 every day
doing the same thing every day
yeah it was really draining i prefer being on set to break up that kind of stuff
at least when you're always busy the time goes quicker

it was also valentines day
my boyfriend bought me some cacti from home base
and we went to see wolf of wall street (which was awesome)

here's me meeting the cacti

i really like cacti i think they're really awesome

i'm not really home enough lately to maintain other plants 

so it's nice to come home and know they haven't died

this is the desk that they all sit on

and today i took some photos of my potted ones sitting in the sunshine for a bit

then i put them back on the desk 

first weekend in march, my boyfriend and i went to derby (that's where he's from) 

we met his dog,
we also went to go and see my dad, he lives about an hour from there

benji the westie looking at me

so i have been doing things other than filmmaking, for the first time since september.

it's useful because it means that during the week when the work stresses me out or i am feeling behind (which happens a lot) then i have something to look forward to, which is really nice. 

in the last month, we did a photoshoot, went for a few trips into central london, spent too much money (we're saving money now), planned our films... it has been a good month. 

and to prove how sunny it was today, here's me and a tree!!!! 

it's funny because when i started this blog last year i posted a lot of blossom then as well

The Clock Gallery (03.02.14)

The Clock Gallery (03.02.14), a set on Flickr.

was part of a documentary shoot yesterday
about a clock and watch repair and sales shop in Ealing, and the man who owns it
he was lovely
you could really feel his enthusiasm and passion for what he loved
it was a good day
i took some snaps
i love my new camera

me and my idiot went to chinatown today and took some snaps :)))

photo credit jack scotton

film school shoots

08.01.14

jessica haggard's shoot 

I was first assistant director

2014

so 2014 has gotten off to an interesting start.
shot my first short for film school.
it's called Joanne. it's on Vimeo . the password is joanne. it's only two minutes
take a gander
i loved making it. so rewarding
it was magical seeing something that was once in my head make it onto a screen
i can't even describe it.
the next module is "making short films". i am so excited
i am so lucky and blessed to have been able to have this opportunity
i think about this a lot
i belong where i am
life is good

some shorts from the film, Joanne

anyway so life is really good at the moment. 

i have a new camera and i took some photos yesterday of a fundraiser i went to 

my friends' band were playing

decoy jet

they are really awesome

i was so pleased with the lighting they had 

it made taking the photos even more rewarding

the rest are on flickr if you care to look

in other news it has been a few months now since my mum's book was published

she gets her stats about payment at the end of this month

so i thought i would shamelessly plug the thing

she describes it as "chick-lit detective story" 

it's about an investigator with a prosthetic leg who solves a missing persons case. 

it's a really cool story 

she was interviewed by the local paper and said that the fact that the main character has a disability, she likes the idea that someone could be inspired by the idea that you don't have to be defined by it and that you can still achieve great things even when you have these obstacles :) 

it really inspires me personally especially as a filmmaker because

my mum worked on this book for a long time and she suffered setbacks like every writer

and she almost gave up 

but she didnt

and that's the main point

like all my heroes have suffered these setbacks. 

even lady gaga. she was dropped by her first label

and now look at her

so my mum and lady gaga are similar they are fighters even tho people don't think they are

they have the same spirit

like me

yo i 'gram a LOT so if you do as well, lets be pals

i have been off for christmas for a week now.
it's so weird.
i have never ever been bored at the christmas holidays to this extent, i'm actually glad to a point that i don't have a summer holiday
realistically i wouldn't be able to afford to go away
and that's the whole point that i would want so much time off
(and to do some work experience i suppose as well)
but my point is, i kinda... can't wait to go back. in january.
that is genuinely a first in my whole life. i'm just enjoying every minute of that course so much.

at the start of this month i went to a screening of the film that i worked on
(as production designer)
it was extremely satisfying to see my name go past on a screen
even if it was the london film school grad screening cinema
it still means so much to me
i was so proud

a manifesto, of sorts:

ideally i would really like to make visually stunning pieces of art
with beautiful yet honest aesthetics
with a relevant message. an honest message.
about opening your eyes
appreciating life in the present moment
and being honest with yourself about your place in the world

i suppose that's why for a long time i was drawn to documentaries
and i like to think that in the future i would be able to do documentaries
that would be cool
i will plan one now for next year.

but i mean that's my intention
to make films that have that effect
so i guess i better get on it huh

i have a lactose intolerance 
and i am always burning my skin accidentally
but i think both of these things are symbolic of my emotional responses 
like my enzymes don’t work properly to process things and break them down 
and my skin is always getting damaged when i touch hot things

one of the upsides of the realisation that you cannot control other people
is the truth that other people cannot control you.

it's just something that i've been thinking about lately

and i have been reading the tibetan book of living and dying (x)
and it has been influencing and inspiring a lot of these kinds of thoughts
especially the parts about impermanence and change.
those things are so important to me
to remember every day
i don't know i'm just really embracing those things lately
hopefully for the better and hopefully for ever

we went to look at a house yesterday
it's a flat, really. the top of a maisonette
it's really lovely and hopefully things will go well with that

i have been writing
or trying to write, anyway
it's definitely harder than it looks for me lately
which is frustrating at times

pouty pouty

i love sunday mornings

i changed my make-up today

i normally wear a lot of black around my eyes but today it's more brown colours

it's because it's sunday and i felt like switching it up a bit

this time next week i'll have blonde highlights! 

i'm excited

"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness." - Zhuangzi

 the "key" to happiness is to realise that there is no key
there is no secret
it's not a member's only club
it's not something that can be "attained"
it's not a status
it's not a person
it cannot be won
or caged
or held
it is fleeting and it will not last for ever
it is subjective
it is not real

happiness is a momentary state of being
as is sadness
as is love
as is pain
as is grief
as is every other human "emotion"

you are not your emotions
in some languages, unfortunately not english, there are ways of expessing this
the verb "to be" changes for emotions in order to show that they are not part of the essential person
they are not part of what makes up the solid human being
they are temporary states
in spanish for example it's the difference between ser and estar.
(look it up it's quite interesting)

once you start to live in the moment
and accept and acknowledge every emotion and feeling as it occurs
and accept its departure as it fleets away
(for that is the nature of emotion and life itself: fleeting)
then your 'happiness' comes from a peace , an acceptance
that your experience of life is subjective

and really, all of these things are easy to state in theory
they are hard to practice
but they aren't
"let go, or be dragged"
it is one of my FAVOURITE statements.

really i was having a conversation with my friend and i was telling her,
you're always living in the future.
you are waiting for tomorrow
but tomorrow you will be waiting for the next day
you're not living in the present
and so many people do it

and i think really, it's hard to put into practice until you reach a point in your life
where you don't want tomorrow to come.
you don't want today to be here.
you wish you had done something different yesterday.
"it's your life and it's ending one minute at a time"
in order to understand how painful the concept of tomorrow is
and then to avoid it by living hedonistically in the present
you begin to understand that that's all life is
a series of moments
and if you don't acknowledge them daily
and as they pass,
then they're all just so fleeting and you're chasing down something you can never hold
because it's always one step ahead of you
you're chasing it right into your own grave

i suppose what i am trying to say is
to quote pessoa, whose 'book of disquiet' have i been reading this week:
"in order to understand, i destroyed myself"
now this quote is out of context
but it fits what i am trying to say
until you have destroyed yourself and worn your own skin and bones down
to the point where they cannot take any more
you do not understand the relief of living in the moment
of accepting your crippling pain as fleeting

and the relief of going with the flow

and then it becomes happiness
happiness and contentedness, to float along the river of life
and then it becomes little goals to aim for
and all of these little moments make up your life

shutter

my friend and classmate elyssa took this photo of me on the platform

we loved the light

what a week

this week it was the introduction to cinematography
i had been undecided for a while about whether or not i should take  the cinematography pathway
you can choose between filmmaking, which focuses more on directing, writing and editing, or cinematography which is more camera, lights, sound. technical stuff
i'm not hugely confident with the technical stuff
but this week has been awesome and i have loved every minute
and i have absorbed so much new information
it has pretty much confirmed to me that i want to take the cinematography option on the course
but also because i love being on set so much
i would love to have technical skills that mean when i graduate i can get onto sets
and just spend all the time doing what i love
as well as directing and writing in any potential "spare" time i might have

but yeah
still time to make the decision

also even more movements are being made about moving home
moving into a flat/house nearer to school
hopefully that will be happening in the next few months
i have a few people to call about that
but the housemates are cool guys who i get along with really well
so it should be all good
life is really cool it's a really neat thing

shadowplay

light is hugely inspiring

 today i have decided on ways that i'm going to light certain shots

that i have had in my mind for months 

and even possibly, where i'm going to shoot them

i think shadows are extraordinary

because you can see the expression of body movement 

and it can tell a beautiful story through images alone

this week is the camera, lights and sound week

yesterday we had a whole day learning about the history of cinematography

it was fantastic

it's good to know that my opinion on minimal dialogue will aid a creative vision that is mostly visual

not sure if that makes sense

i just think that in cinema you should make the most of the fact that cinema is visual

rather than just have two people sitting talking to each other

also last week, had another screen arts session, about citizen kane

loved it, especially the scene where he walks through the corridor with the mirrors

it was beautiful, i would love to make a nod to that 

last week was mainly dedicated to "directing actors" which was certainly interesting

there is so much to learn

and went to the wrap party for the feature i was working on before i started film school

it was great to see everyone again, that film really inspired me quite greatly

there were ideas and things I watched them doing that i know i want to do

that's what i mean by inspiring

and it was nice to catch up with everyone as well,

 i really respect and look up to everyone that i worked with, 

and that's how a film set should be

i'd be lucky to work with those people again

and hope to cross paths soon

also my hair appointment is booked for the 9th november

blonde

also movements are being made to possibly move in with some awesome people

I'll update on that if/when it happens

finally, saw the title of an article in the newspaper today

it is a quote from Jean-Jacques Rousseau,

which i had to write down because i need to remember it:

Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.